Title: I want the one I can't have

Pairing: Liam/Noel

Rating: R? No explicit language.

Summary: They both want the one they can't have.

Disclaimer: It happened nowhere except in my brain.

A/N: First part Liam's POV, then Noel's. This is my first fic, sorry for the poor English.

*****

I was in the studio when me mum called.

"Do you know Noel is father again?"

"Er, yes." There's no point pretending.

"He already told you?"

"Come on. It's all over the internet."

"So what are we going to do, a little celebration?"

"No. Listen, Mum, if you wanna go and see, I can pick you up, you know. But I'm not stepping through his doorframe."

I heard a sigh from the other side of the line, making me guilty for all the torture I caused her.

"Did Noel say anything on your birthday?"

The answer hung in my throat, becoming heavier by the second.

"No."

Another sigh.

"I know how you feel, Liam. You have one thousand reasons to be angry at him, but he's your brother. You two cannot go on like this for the rest of your life."

"Maybe this is exactly what he wants."

"Oh, Liam, stop being a child. If you are angry, if you feel wronged by him, tell him, say to his face. The last thing you need is silence."

"It's easier to say than to do. And I believe he will kick me out as soon as I open my mouth."

"It'll be his fault, not yours."

"Al'right, mum, don't worry."

Me mum really has her way to talk others into doing things they don't want to do.

I parked my car in Noel's driveway and pressed the doorbell. Can't remember when was the last time I stood here, waiting to be invited inside. What did Noel say and wear that day? What did we do afterwards? As the door clicked open, I warned myself to stop recalling old days.

But seeing Noel's face through the glass door, all the memories surged to me, all the sentiments were boiling and yelling. I barely maintained balance.

Noel's surprised, undoubtedly he was.

"Good morning." There is distance in my greeting, not that I intended to, that's just how I felt. It's impossible to put up a smiley face and say Hi as if nothing had happened.

"Morning." Noel let me in, with no more words.

Silence surrounded we till we sat down in the living room.

"I heard Sara gave birth to another baby, congratulations."

"Thanks."

I wanted to leave. Apparently he didn't feel like saying anything to me except necessary.

That's what I did. Putting the gift on sofa and standing up, I faced him, "If you don't want to see me or hear me, say it, no need to show me any mercy now."

"I thought you'd be smarter after one year's growing up."

That tone of his indicated the following plot, didn't it? I would become furious and shout and throw things, he would shout back, there would probably be a splendid fight, then we would reconcile with bruises.

In a split of a second, the trailer of this infamous action show played in my mind, and I felt bored. Having watched it too many times, more precisely, played the leading role every season, it's difficult not to get bored.

"You're right. I've grown up."

In the past, I can hardly compose myself when he cast the contempt and sarcasm on me, treating me like his own belongings, poured whatever bad emotions here.

Let someone else replace me then.

I patted his shoulder on my way out, as I did numerous times. A place where I used to indulge. There's forever the smell of cologne. In the aftermath of a gig or sex, it mixed with musk and sweat, making me think that this man is the only one I need in my life.

I guess I asked for too much, more than he could give. Otherwise, things would've been easier for me, and for my band. I could endure his vicious attitude, with or without a righteous cause. However, when he threatened to leave Oasis that totally broke my heart. Perhaps in the unconscious sea of my mind, Oasis is the strongest tie between us, binding us together. How could he leave after what we've been through together?

I shedded my thoughts away and went for the front door. Somehow I could feel his eyes on me back, following me out.

Exhausted, I skipped the shower and threw myself onto the bed. At the end of the day, he would visit my dream as always, the Noel who calls me our kid and looks at me on the stage as I am his everything.

There's no denying that I love him still. Whatever he becomes and does to me won't harm my love. I hate him too, because he is not mine. He is everybody else's but not mine. He taught me to compromise, and now I did throw in the towel and settle for what I can have. At least I have my missus, two kids, a memory. Memory is a naughty child, does it also bother him when he listens to some Oasis song or when he plays at some familiar venues? I'd like to know what I meant to him, but I suppose I would never get the answer. Anyway, the wise men live for tomorrow, right? I'm afraid no one would earn my love as he did. Nevertheless, love is not everything, and it needs not to be returned.

******************

Noel stares at his younger brother as he walks out without looking back even once. Watches  Liam's hand touches the door handle firmly. In the past Noel would think Liam is just playing cool, to corner him or to take the upper hand. But now he is not so sure. It happened in a moment. He came, he's gone. Noel senses something's going on Liam's mind, but he cannot figure it out.

Noel is not used to this mode of relationship. When did Liam decide one-sidedly this is all? Isn't he supposed to be bitter and jealousy and. Whatever. Yes, Noel is the one who put an end to it. But he doesn't really expect Liam to accept it. Liam never does what he's told after all. As the sound of engine fades away, Noel comes to himself and returns upstairs to his own stuff.

Of course Noel dreams about Liam at some nights, he welcomes it though, for it's the only chance that he goes through their days together again. In the daytime he is occupied and has no time for reminiscing. When he wakes up from a Liam-centered dream, he would lie there and let his mind go blank for a while, otherwise he would be stricken with a strong lost feeling, and buried in the sea of memories.

He and Liam meet each other from time to time, by coincidence or on holidays when Mum invites them both to dinner. Liam behaves so naturally and so fucking brother-like, as if they have been bros from the very beginning. Yes, Noel thinks to himself, they could have, if he didn't initiate the whole thing, fuck, if his brother were not Liam. He knows which of them is to blame, but he doesn't have the courage to utter it out, the responsibility is too heavy.

And for that reason, he never says sorry.